Some years ago I was in what I would call a toxic relationship. After years spent with a wonderful partner had ended I went straight into something that was both soul destroying and dangerous for my mental health.
I was told on a regular basis that I was a bad person, I was selfish, I wasn’t good enough, I treated people badly and I made bad choices. For someone who was in a very delicate state this was overwhelming, these negative affirmations made their way into my mind and created a new personality that I did not recognise. Eventually I believed them all, I was bad and bad things would happen to me, I didn’t deserve loving friends and I was selfish. Like magic this new personality managed to fulfil those prophecies. I started to loose friends, became more isolated and made extremely bad choices for myself. Even after I managed to escape the ‘relationship’ I still believed I was that person and I acted like it. All that negativity created for me a negative life.
I can safely admit now I was miserable, more miserable than I had ever been, and lonely. I felt no one understood me and I was desperate for love. That desperation either drove people away or attracted a very wrong sort of person. Luckily I wasn’t in this cycle for long, I managed to pull my head above the crashing waves of self-hatred and see the shore.
A lot of this had to do with making new friends, I found new people in my life who seemed to love me just as I was, flaws and all. I also began to write again, practise a bit of yoga and go to the gym regularly. I slowly found myself again, began to build bridges with those I had hurt and become the type of person I had always wanted to be. Don’t get me wrong it wasn’t easy. Another failed relationship and a few more rows with friends and family out of the way and I was close to being on dry land again.
It’s been years now since I was building this negative world around me and although I am safely on the shore of happiness I can still see the waves from where I sit. I can still hear the crashing of self-doubt, feel the pull of the negative tide, and I never take for granted that I am safe from the storm. Instead I chose to build a life of positive energy, I chose happiness ever day instead of anger and fear. I cherish those around me and accept that although there will be bad times, how I chose to live my life will inevitably create my future. I truly believe we attract what we put out into the world. I also believe that if you constantly expect the worst from people and life then you will probably get it.
I start each day with gratitude and focus on the positive, to quote one of my cheesy film guilty pleasures ‘I’m happy every day, not all day everyday but everyday’. If this isn’t true for you, if there is not one piece of happiness in the space of 24 hours then I challenge you to change that. Make a decision to build a better live, no its not easy but you deserve it.